Ray North’s Crystal Ball: Predictions for 2016

by Ray_North on January 10, 2016

Crystal ball
My predictions for 2016 appear rather later than usual, which makes me ponder the age old question, can you still make a relevant prediction for the new year on January 10th.

Well, I’ve pondered, and decided that I can… so, here is my traditional list of Nostradamus like musings about the things that may, and may not, happen in the New Year, but, before I do, let’s cast our minds back to some of the things I boldly predicted would happen in 2015…..

Ok, here goes, last year I predicted that Raheem Sterling would leave Liverpool, that the election would be weird, that Nick Clegg would lose his seat, that Australia would win the Rugby World Cup, that the Jam would reform and the new Star Wars film would be ‘disappointing.’

Well, the election was weird and Raheem is now playing for Man City, but, hmmm, other than that.

But, let us not dwell on last year, let us consider the runes and peer into what 2016 may bring.

1. Britain will not leave the EU Yep, let’s start with politics. It now looks likely that the EU referendum will be held sometime next summer, and that the message that Dave will give to his party and the rest of the country is that he has saved us all from Johnny Foreigner and his meddling ways, and that now, thanks to him, it is alright for us to be in the EU. The rest of Europe will scratch their heads or piss themselves laughing at this proposition, then the referendum will end up with a fairly resounding ‘yes, let’s stay.’

2. Someone will try to form a new political party. Yep, with Corbyn stubbornly holding on to the Labour leadership and UKIP disappearing with the EU referendum, someone with a massive ego and massively inflated opinion of himself, will decide that it’s time for him (for it will be a male), to form a new political party to fill the gap left by the Lib-Dems, New-Labour and UKIP. Enter the stage, The Progressive Democrats or People’s Democratic Front or similar – who will probably do spectacularly well for five minutes before flying off to the David Steel Sunshine Home For Surges That Never quite Happened.

3. Lauran Kuenssberg outed as Communist In a strange turn of events, BBC Political Editor and bete noire of the Corbynite left will be uncovered as a life-long Communist and member of the Stalinist League, thus putting to bed once and for all the theory that she is a Tory and uncovering the true picture that her desperate attempts to single handedly bring down the Labour Party is motivated by the fact that actually, Corbyn and McDonell are not left wing enough for her.

4. The outing of the first openly gay footballer It’s about time. Come on, let’s get it over and done with, I mean eventually even the most puerile chanting of ‘does he take it up the arse’ will eventually cease to amuse the most ardent bigoted fan, and the misguided notion that somehow gay men aren’t good at football can be laid to rest once and for all.

5. England 1966 World Cup Retrospective will reach a feverish level of hysteria Yes, if you haven’t realised it yet, you will do come June, this year, marks 50 years since Bobby Moore lifted the Jules Rimet trophy, to mark the one and only time that the England Football team were any good. To mark this anniversary, we will be bombarded with documentaries, memorial services, re-appraisals, re-enactments, get-togethers, souvenirs, seances and 50th anniversary specials. Indeed there will come a day when it gets so bad that a mass twitter campaign, incorporating 15 million signatures, will call for the public execution of Nobby Stiles and Jackie Charlton so that it can all be brought to a merciful end.

6. The Lib-Dems will split. After a row over whose turn it was to get the first round in for all fourteen of the delegates at the Lib-Dem Conference post-leaders speech bash at the Grey Rabbit Pub in Rickmansworth, turns ugly. Norman ‘I got the fucking last one in you twat’ Lamb, forms the ‘Real Liberal Democrats’ with Sir Simon Hughes, Alistair Carmichael and someone called Kevin who happened to be playing darts at the pub at the time. Their slogan, ‘A return to real Liberal Democrat values, but no regrets about the coalition,’ is deemed to be a bit of a mouthful.

7. Middle East Turmoil. Sadly, the situation in Syria, Egypt, Saudi Arabia and everywhere else East of Turkey, will continue to go from bad to worse. Lunatics proclaiming Jihad will pour into Syria from the West and elsewhere, there will be more death, destruction and starvation and despair and eventually one day, probably not in 2016, probably not even in 2026, someone will persuade enough people that living in peace with people who aren’t the same as you, is actually, not that bad.

8. George Osborne will continue to make odd speeches. Yes, just like last year, Gideon will continue to make speeches where, depending on how he feels when he wakes up and takes a sip of his Fortnum and Mason coffee, the economy (thanks to him) will be in the greatest shape it has ever been leading to increased tax receipts of 1000% or, because of the situation in China and Europe, the economy is in grave danger and we could be plunged at any time into a ‘Labour style recession.’ Eventually, Gideon may be taken away in a special bus.

9. Prince Harry will announce his engagement. To one Shirley Dicksworth of Neasden; daughter of Dave and Carol Dicksworth also of Neasden. In a exclusive interview with Martin Bashir, the two will coyly explain that love blossomed after she held his kebab outside the Angelo’s Nightclub in Edmonton, when he got into a fight with a couple of local lads after one of them called him a ‘ginger wanker.’ Shirley’s only regret is that she’s had to give up her career as a supervisor at Iceland because of the press intrusion.

10. News of the World. Will reform with Rebecca Wade as editor and the recently released Andy Coulson as Political Editor, after a star studded party to mark the occasion attended by, among others, Dave and Sarah Cameron, Tony Blair, Simon Danczuk and the entire cast of TOWIE, Wade unveils the headline in the comeback edition – ‘Gotcha!’

Have a happy 2016

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