The Great British Bake Off: A place where good taste buds go to die

by Charlie_East_West on August 5, 2015


It’s back. The Great British Bake Off returns to our screens tonight. God help us. Pass the self raising flour and Union Jack bunting.

Ok, I admit it – I absolutely hate The Great British Bake Off. Millions of people across the country will be glued to their television screens at 8pm tonight on BBC1 to watch a bunch of people bake cakes. Yes, that’s right – millions of people will watch a programme about people baking cakes located somewhere in a Middle England that doesn’t really exist.

This is shit TV personified. The whole look and feel of the programme is like something out of what would happen if John Major and Richard Curtis decided to produce a TV programme together based on their sycophantic imagery of what Britain should look like. The result? Tweeness personified. The set is pimped out to like a cookery version of Last Night of the Proms. It appears to exist in a vortex of Laura Ashley interior design where everything is massively floral, fragrant, and oh-so village fete from the 1950s. I half expect Hugh Grant to foppily bound across the set, fiddle with his cufflinks, and crack a half arsed joke about “bottoms”.

It is always sunny down at Great British Bake Off land. The grass has been freshly cut, the birds are singing and something chocolatey and artery clogging is baking away in an Aga oven. One of the main presenters even thinks he is there for his rugged good looks. If he was a chocolate cake, he would probably eat himself.

But, cutting to the chase, I do not see any sort of merit in wasting an hour a week watching people bake cakes in a scene of a Britain that would definitely a Tory incumbent (he probably goes by the name of Hugo) as the local MP.

The whole thing is so fucking buttock-clenchingly annoying. The BBC have been trailing the launch of the show for weeks. This saddens me. When I am subjected to watching this awful show, a little part of my dwindling respect for the BBC dies a little bit more. I do not want to pay my license fee for this crap. Great British Bake Off is a place where the license fee and the good taste buds go to die.

Each to their own, I suppose. I am being way too judgemental here. But, go ahead, watch the show and indulge yourself in a Britain that doesn’t exist except in the minds a few elderly millionaires living in the Shires. Go on, wallow in a self indulgent hour of watching people stuff their faces with cake. Go on, admit it – you have a little crush on Paul Hollywood – those twinkly blue eyes – you could lose yourself in them. That fake tan…Scrummy.

Bollocks to all of that.

If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. Will the contestants crumble under the pressure?

Who gives a fuck? Sadly, it appears that millions of people do.

{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

John Stone August 5, 2015 at 7:16 pm

Nah, Mel Giedroyc would be more my crumpet….

But, more broadly yes, it’s a load of reactionary old bollocks, just like Downton etc.


Green Christian August 6, 2015 at 6:07 am

When you say that you “do not want to pay my license fee for this crap”, you’re making the exact same argument that right-wingers often use to justify their support for scrapping the license fee altogether. To be worth having, the BBC has to make programs that appeal to absolutely everybody. Which means that they have to produce the occasional show that’s reactionary, or otherwise offends your sensibilities. The question is not whether its output includes stuff like this, but whether it also produces other stuff that balances it out..


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