#11: The Secret MP – A New Member Of Parliament

by Charlie_East_West on May 11, 2015


I am the new Secret MP. But, you can call me Douglas.

My friends call me Deadly Doug, due to my eurosceptic views, pro fox hunting, pro austerity, One Nation Tory ideology.

This wasn’t supposed to happen. I am now a Member of Parliament somewhere in the South West. I defeated my rival Keith, incumbent Liberal Democrat MP, by 2,540 votes at the third time of asking. Pre-election polling indicated that I would miss out on being elected by a whisker, but due to some help from the pesky Scots scaring the living daylights out of many of my constituents (Lynton’s delivery of 500 Sturgeonator masks went down a treat at the local Hunt Ball on the eve of the election) and frequent election campaign visits to my constituency by David Cameron, where he even promised funding for a new swimming pool and spa, I managed to pull victory from the jaws of defeat.

First of all, I would like to pay tribute to the ever diligent Keith. We may have fought the good fight over the years, but I recognise that he was someone who has fought and campaigned for the hard working people of the constituency since he was elected in 1992. As a caveat to his departure, he left a rather wry note stating “Sorry – all the Lib Dems have gone.” – a nice touch. Humility in defeat is never easy.

The South West is an exceedingly good place to be. The Conservative Party has won every single seat, apart from the Banana Republic of Exeter, which remains the enemy within – Trotskyite Bradshaw managed to cling on and leave Labour looking like an ugly little red blemish on the South West.

As well as handing over a seemingly endless mountain of constituency casework, Keith also informed me of an ongoing tradition that the local MP had to post a “Secret MP” column on a liberal leaning, pinko blog called “All That’s Left” – I am happy to continue such a tradition, as I consider myself a Classical Liberal in the mould of Toby Young. Also, writing the occasional article on this forum will allow me to “know my enemy.”

The last four days have been a deeply discombobulating experience. As well as trying to juggle my work as a partner in a local Estate Agency, I am now being bombarded by local campaign groups; trying to grapple with an idiots guide to parliamentary procedure as well as starting a recruitment process to find a constituency manager, casework assistant and a parliamentary researcher.

So far, I have been inundated with applications for the parliamentary researcher position, but I have already been impressed by young Sophie, who is a recent politics and economics graduate from Exeter University. Sophie responded to my advert immediately, and when we meet up for an interview, she took one look at me and said “you look like Roger Sterling from Mad Men. There is something of the silver fox about you.” My wife however, has expressed her early reservations about appointing Sophie. She thinks that I “need to tread very carefully with her.” – I am not entirely sure what she means by that.

Later today, I venture off to London. My London experiences of late are largely due to negotiations surrounding those aspirational second home owners in my constituency. I look forward to being able to work towards further legislation on their behalf.

This London trip is solely focused around my new career as an MP. I have just received my itinerary from Conservative HQ, who are trying to enable me to make a seemless transition from being full time Estate Agent to a part time Estate Agent and full time politician.

I have a packed schedule – a guided tour of parliament, MPs offices and potential Private Members’ Clubs in Mayfair. Exciting times, but I must always remember to put the needs of my constituents first. Their voices will be heard through the corridors of Westminster.

Deadly Doug as an MP. We live in exciting times.

{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

Mike Killingworth May 11, 2015 at 5:38 pm

If you have kids with your wife, get rid of Sophie If not, get rid of your wife. Sophie will get rid of you later.


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