Goldfish Predicts Narrow Win For Labour!

by Ray_North on April 29, 2015

images-4Yes, forget YouGov, Populas Lord Ashcroft and the all the other number crunching types – my son’s goldfish, Mr Kill, has predicted a slim majority for Ed Miliband’s Labour Party in next Thursday’s general election.

Mr Kill is a carnival fish, who, extraordinarily, has reached the age of five having been won in a particularly tough game of ‘hook a duck’ at the Wrexham Library Carnival 2010.

Since then he has lived happily in his tank which is situated directly behind the spot where I do my work and my writing. Recently I have discovered that Mr Kill has been quietly reading the contents of various websites that I visit from his favourite vantage point near his fake coral effect bowl ornament, and as result has been able to build up a unique knowledge (for fish) about subjects ranging from politics and sport to Scandinavian plumbing.

What Mr Kill likes best though, is putting his money where his gills are – he likes to make a prediction, take a punt.

And, using the knowledge he has gleamed from various websites (including, of course Allthatsleft, where he particularly likes Jackie South’s psephological musings), he has developed an elaborate system of directional swimming enabling him to indicate to me his predictions about matters ranging from the winners of the Six Nations Rugby, The Apprentice and Masterchef to Britain’s Got Talent; in addition, he has proved himself particularly adept at telling me how a jury might react to a particular argument – he swims upwards for not guilty and downwards if I am about to be convicted.

Last week, in a moment of exasperation, I shouted at Mr Kill – ‘when will this blessed election ever end, and who will win?’
Mr Kill, immediately, and without further prompting, started to vigorously swim leftwards, past his little castle, round his plastic orange foliage before settling back by his coral.
‘What?’ I said, ‘a win for Labour?’
Again, Mr Kill took off to the left.
‘By what kind of majority?’ I asked.
There then followed fifteen minutes of swimming in a leftward direction around his tank, in which he made, and I carefully made a note of each and every one of them, 313 laps.
‘Well, how many seats will the Tories win?’ I enquired – which led to 263 laps.
By my reckoning, this will give Labour a slim but clearly workable House of Commons Majority.

You heard it here first.

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