2015 Budget: The Alternative Version

by Charlie_East_West on March 18, 2015


It is a big day for George Osborne. It is Budget Day. If a Government was in any way competent it would be throwing lots of fiscally prudent financial sweeties at the voter just before the election. But, as it is, this Government has made such a pig’s arse of the real economy, any little sweeteners will just smack of false tokenism around the edges.

So, let’s pretend that for some bizarre set of circumstances that George Osborne woke in the middle of the night covered in a well deserved guilt-induced sweat and decided to come clean and deliver his own mea culpa Budget. He would have to tear his carefully considered script up and start all over again.

Here is the new and improved alternative Budget speech for 2015:

I want start this budget with a humble apology. I am sorry. I am so fucking sorry. Our economy is fucked. I apologise for fucking it up. I apologise for doubling the national debt from £700bn to £1.4bn over the term of the parliament, and failing to get the deficit under control. I apologise for hoodwinking millions of people into thinking that austerity would balance the books, while smashing our public services to create almost unlimited privatisation opportunities. I apologise for making the super rich 60% wealthier and the poor 60% poorer over the past five years.

I also apologise for:

Tax breaks to millionaires and hedge funds
One million people using foodbanks
1.4 million people on zero hours contracts
A record number of families in poverty
Another £30bn worth of cuts in 2015-2017
Another £60bn worth of cuts by 2020
Demonising the £1.2bn lost in benefit fraud instead of focusing on ways to claw back the £120bn lost per annum on tax avoidance and evasion.

My chums in The City may love me, but I get the feeling that millions of oiks do not, so I want to announce the following:

– I want maximum transparency on our tax havens and offshoring. Instead of traveling first class to Brussels to fight to protect bankers’ bonuses, I will instead try to negotiate full country-by-country tax avoidance reporting ASAP. All tax havens to be required to file accounts for public record. I will then demand at the next G20 summit that all offshore tax havens are globally abolished.

– I would also like to add a measure of transparency on corporate tax evasion – who is accountable for it, and those with a UK residents obligation to pay it. No more tax evasion and avoidance by use of cloak and dagger corporate accounting structures.

– I am going to increase income tax to a new 60p rate for those earning over £150,000 per year. Anyone who earns this amount, can bloody well afford to pay a bit more – including me.

– I will also set up a review to begin the process of renationalisation of many of our utility based industries – I have a new found belief that any service that is a core human need should not be in the hands of profit making companies.

– I would also like to announce that the UK will finally cooperate with other EU member states on the introduction of a Financial Transaction Tax set at a levy of 0.05% on non retail banking financial transactions such as derivatives. It is expected that this new tax could raise as much as £60 billion per annum.

– All banks will separate their investment banking operations from their mainstream retail banking operations.

This is a budget that will be progressive. It will be remembered as the austerity budget on the rich. It will aim to address the major issues of corporate greed, corporate ethics and tax avoidance both on an individual and corporate level. And that my friends, is where we get to the heart of the matter. Many of our corporate institutions, in particular the banks, caused this mess back in 2008, and now it is time that they paid for their mistakes – rather than everyone else paying the price for corporate mistakes.

The poor, disabled, vulnerable and our public services deserve better. From now on, the underserving rich can help pay for creating a better and more fairer society.

I recommend this Budget to The House.


This is the alternative budget that we all desperately need, but sadly, it is not the budget that Osborne will announce. The original draft will be taken out of the rubbish bin – which is a good metaphor for Osborne’s five year custodianship over our economy.

{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

Mike March 18, 2015 at 1:14 pm

Pig’s arse. Really? The deficit has been halved and spending on key public services has been maintained. Labour would have been unable to do this.
Also more people are being taken out of income tax all together with the increased standard allowance.

This coalition Government has served in the best way, certainly compared to the Balls/Brown Government we had previously.


Ray_North March 18, 2015 at 1:34 pm

School budgets have been cut; the legal aid budget has been cut; spending on welfare has been cut; spending on social housing has been minuscule; the number of hospital beds has fallen and waiting times have risen; the difference in terms of income and assets between the richest and poorest has risen to the greatest level since before the war; on all indicators the gap between rich and poor has grown and the rate of growth out of recession has been the slowest ever recorded.
If that is the mark of socio-economic success – then slap my arse and call me Mary.


Eddie Kaye March 18, 2015 at 1:46 pm

For ‘people taken out of income tax’, read ‘people who do not earn enough to pay tax’ Mike. Having an economy where people are excluded from making a contribution is not a sign of a successful economy, or coherent society. When I say not earning enough to make contributions, that includes NI, meaning those on low incomes and zero hour contracts will have to be taken care of in their dotage – something the small state mentality has never accounted for. Raising the personal allowance was a short term election ploy, nothing else – along with the so called rise in the minimum wage. Small concessions, while the Coalition keep on indian giving, and picking the pockets of those who rely on social services – including many of these workers you highlight as having had the burden of income tax removed!

Osborne and Cameron will keep up the pretence while playing their favourite rob/ pay based game of tag with their friends Peter and Paul!


Charlie_East_West March 18, 2015 at 1:54 pm

Austerity was created under the auspices of Tories and Lib Dems at Westminster. Local authority budgets have been smashed, core services have been sold off, welfare cuts, lack of inward investment programmes etc. Since 2010, there has been an increase of 900,000 people using foodbanks and 1.4m on zero hours contracts. Since 2010, the super rich have increased their wealth by 60% while the poorest have become poorer by 60%. Since 2010, the debt has doubled to £1.4trillion and the deficit has not be brought under control. But of course, according to the Law of Tories – this must be Labour’s fault.

The banks were initially deregulated under the Thatcher Government. All administrations since are culpable in lax regulation on banking and corporate tax dodging. But, the debt has doubled under this coalition government (largely due to a lack of tax receipts and £120bn in tax avoidance).

The gap between the rich and poor has widened to record levels since 2010, and austerity has been used on the wrong targets – which has destroyed many public services, destroyed the lives of millions through twisted policies like the Bedroom Tax and opened the door for misplaced privatisation in areas that should be protected like NHS and education.


Jackie_South March 18, 2015 at 2:01 pm

Mike – I’m interested in your definition of “key public services”, given that this must clearly exclude police (25% budget cut), fire, social services or anything else provided by councils etc to hold true.

Could you provide your list?


Charlie_East_West March 18, 2015 at 2:04 pm

Mike – Cornwall Council have to cut £296m off key public services because of Government cuts to their budget. How does this equate with your comment – “spending on key public services has been maintained”?


John Stone March 18, 2015 at 7:55 pm

The current policy of lifting people out of Tax/NI is the reason we can’t afford decent public services. Classic case of robbing Paul and giving hima bung to make him think he’s better off. As Eddie says, non contribution is bad for us all, and sn indicator of a sick society.

But then Tories don’t believe in society anyway, just the sanctity of property rights.


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