Allthatsleft Exclusive: Leaked Minutes from The Scottish Commission

by Ray_North on November 27, 2014

images-2At midnight last night, at Burger King just off the M1 in Morpeth, we at Allthatsleft were presented with an exclusive copy of the minutes of the final meeting of The Scottish Commission – we reprint extracts for you here.

Date: November 4th 2014
Present: Lord Smith of Kelvin (LS), John Swinney (JS), Annabelle Goldie (AG), Ian Gray (that labour bloke) and Michael Moore (Big Mike).

LS: Right, well that settles it then – income tax raising powers, votes for bairns and more power to Holyrood?’

Collective murmuring: Aye, aye.

LS: Good, well all we have to work out now is the timetable for the finalisation of the Consultation Group and the publication of the proposals for tax raising powers. How about the 2nd December for the Consultation Group and February 4th for the Tax matters?

Collective tittering:

LS (confused): I’m sorry, why is there a problem with that.

JS: Are you fucking crazy man?

LS: ?

JS (sarcastically): December the 2nd. February 4th. What kind of dates are those?

LS: Well, I thought that they provided a good enough time period for proper and suitable proposals to be placed before each Parliament.

Big Mike: No, no, no – it’s not about ‘proper time periods’ Smithy, it’s about Scottish symbolism. Those dates are meaningless.

JS: Aye, imagine if I had to go back to Nicola and bander about dates like (makes inverted comma sign with fingers) ‘December 2nd and February 4th’ she’d have my bollocks.

The Labour bloke: That’s right – I mean, what happened that was remotely Scottish on the 2nd December? Absolutely nothing. It’s a disgrace what your suggesting here man.

LS: Sorry, I hadn’t….

JS: Nah, you’ve no idea, you come up here with your devo-max and your vows. December the second.

LS: Well, what do you propose.

AG: Can I propose the 15th January – which was the date when the photographic evidence of the Loch Ness Monster was first published back in 1954.

Labour Bloke: Nah, pish. How about March 24th which is the birthdate of wee Archie Gemmill who scored the greatest goal in World Cup history.

JS (sarcastically): Och, aye, that would be right, great goal, but Scotland still got beat 3-2.

Big Mike: February 8th is the 600th anniversary of the Battle of Corpach when the Clan Cameron routed the Clan McLean and 31st March which is the birthdate of David Steel.

Labour Bloke: Clan Cameron, David Steel? Are ye having a laugh with us Mikey?

Big Mike: Well what do you suggest then?

Labour Bloke: We need to be more modern, more New… well, more modern – how about November 29th which is the date on which the Proclaimers released……

Collective groans:

LS (banging his head against table): If I ever hear that song again…. look, ok, I get it, the first date will be the 30th November St Andrews Day, ok, for the Consultation Group and how about the 25th January, Burns Night, for the publication of the tax proposals?

Collective nodding.

JS: Why didn’t you say that in the first place.

Collective: aye.

{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

Charlie East West November 27, 2014 at 9:21 pm

Factual error: When Gemmill scored, Scotland won 3-2.

Politics and sport are not a good mix.


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