#909: 1986, Half Man Half Biscuit, Dickie Davies Eyes

by Ray_North on July 8, 2014

I’ve lost my mojo. There I’ve said it. I was in Liverpool Crown Court the other morning and the judges bollocking was just washing over me – ‘are you listening Mr North,’ he asked, ‘Yes, Your Honour,’ I replied, ‘what did I say then?’ ‘You said, are you listening Mr North, Your Honour.’

I need a holiday.

I need a couple of weeks away from pedophiles and drug dealers and fighters and politicians and the various ne-erdowells who frequent my waking hours.

So, I went to have a hair cut – and on the way to the Barbers I bumped into an old school friend, Johnny Sideways, who, before adding about eight stone to his frame played in the holding role at the heart of my school football teams first eleven (North Wales League and Cup double 1986), and it reminded me of the day we played a team from Blaenau Ffestiniog in the Cup Final. It was a bad tempered game that culminated in our massive centre half and their massive centre forward both being sent-off for fighting, a fight that then continued off the pitch and in the changing rooms. Happy days.

But, it was also the day that Johnny Sideways lent me his vinyl copy of Back in the DHSS by the great Half Man Half Biscuit, who were, for a brief period the funniest and cleverest band around. Listening to this song, years and years later, there is something lovely about it, something far more poignant than I understood at the time.

God, I could murder a Cadbury’s Flake,
Then I guess you wouldn’t let me into heaven.
Or maybe you would ’cause their adverts promote oral sex!
A Romani bint in a field with her paints,
Suggesting we faint at her beauty,
But she’s got “Dickie Davis Eyes!”

Fair play to Johnny Sideways – he’s an architect now. Needs to lose a few pounds mind.

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