So you want to be a politician…… (Please take our questionnaire first)

by Ray_North on June 3, 2014

images-3As George East said on these pages the other week, there are too many anodyne career politicians who have little idea about the real world. We’ve got a bit of experience of these types, indeed some of us used to be such an anodyne career politician.

We thought we’d help the process of democracy by routing out those we feel are unsuitable for public office by devising this ten question test that should be compulsory for anyone who feels they have ‘political aspirations.’

1. Do you want to go into politics because:
(a) it will be a very good way to become rich and famous
(b) you can’t think of a good alternative at the moment
(c ) you look at the world and you weep

2. Upon choosing your political party have you:
(a) had a good look at the likelihood of finding a safe seat
(b) cottoned on to a single policy, perhaps Europe, and thought, well that lot seem right about that
(c ) agonised for many hours, attended many meetings, consulted books, argued with party stalwarts and concluded that these people actually move me in some indefinable way

3. In choosing your seat would you:
(a) choose the best seat with a chance to get you into Westminster regardless of where it is
(b) have a look at the party website and just chuck your hat in
(c ) try to find a seat that is close to your home or at least represents the type of people you have closest affinity with.

4. When you attend party conference do you
(a) spend all your time schmoozing with the journalists because you feel you are the next big thing
(b) spend all your time on the piss and trying to shag the young researcher from the Whips Office
(c ) trying to speak in a debate because the heart and soul of the party is being sucked out by the careerists who are in control and you have something that you want to say

5. An MP who is in with the leadership tells you that you need to start wearing a certain type of tie if you want to get on, do you
(a) ask him enthusiastically where you can acquire such a tie
(b) tell you used to have one, but feel you may have lost it in a nightclub in Amsterdam
(c ) tell him to fuck off

6. On the doorstep you are harangued by a pensioner who is appalled by the family of ‘foreigners’ living next door, do you:
(a) agree vociferously, after all, they are a voter
(b) tell her that she’s a batty old racist who should vote BNP
(c ) assure her that they mean her no harm, but that if she feels uncomfortable after you’re elected that you will try to arrange for some kind of meeting between her and them to try to establish a friendship.

7. You are invited to go onto regional TV to talk about a local issue that you care about, do you:
(a) immediately phone the party press office to make sure that you are toeing the agreed party line
(b) wing it
(c ) speak from the heart regardless of what everyone else thinks

8. The day after a terrible by-election defeat you are on telly again do you:
(a) tell the press that actually, coming sixth behind the ‘Let’s All ‘Ave A Party, Party’ isn’t actually such a bad result for you, because this was never a seat you thought you’d win, and actually your vote in Acton Street was up, which is good news for your prospects at the general election, in fact it was a good night for your
(b) do you babble incoherently because you’re a bit hungover
(c ) accept that you had a kicking and suggest that this might be due to the party’s inability to be brave and honest about what it believes are the solutions to the issues effective ordinary people

9. After being elected you are tipped the wink by a colleague that there is a nice little scam to improve your expenses that is ‘ignored’ by the fees office, do you:
(a) Shop him to the Whips Office, because, after all, Westminster should be whiter than white
(b) shuffle up a little closer and invite him to ‘tell me more…’
(c ) consider it for a second because, after all, you’re only human, and you are skint because you’ve sunk all your money into employing a researcher to deal with your constituency casework, then, quickly forget about it because you’ve got to prepare for the debate on Local Government Reform

10. You’re invited to take up a junior ministerial post in a department you know nothing about, do you:
(a) have their hand off, because it’s the first rung on the ladder
(b) ask to be told a little bit more about the perks, and in particular whether the post comes with its own car
(C ) genuinely wrestle with the idea, because after all, government is where you can affect most chance, but, on the other hand, you don’t want to end up doing a rubbish job which will make the lives of ordinary people worse.

If you answered mainly (a), then you are clearly a career politician who is destined to enjoy a long a successful career in politics, congratulations, but our message to you is PLEASE CONSIDER SOMETHING ELSE
If you answered mainly (b), then you are unsuitable for any kind of work, let alone politics and our message to you is GET A LIFE!
If you answered mainly (c ), then you are perhaps too perfect, but, your heart is definitely in the right place – Westminster may gobble you up and spit you out as you battle with your conscience, but, our message to you is DON”T GIVE UP – WE NEED YOU!

{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

Jackie_South June 3, 2014 at 4:32 pm

Surely if you answered mainly (b), you are Ray North from 20 years ago!


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