Who would be in your fantasy cabinet?

by Charlie_East_West on July 19, 2013


Politics is a dull old business these days. We have a bunch of humanoid politicians who offer absolutely nothing in the way of enlightenment, radical alternative policies, and charm. Bland, sanitised, machine politicians who deliver policy through talking in false rhetorical generalisations, sound bites delivered in threes, avoiding the questions set to them, and surrounded by a bunch of PR flunkies who seem to have taken over. There is enough spin out there to fuck up a washing machine.

Where has the political oomph gone? And more importantly, where have the great men and women gone? Who, within the current prism of our political elite compares to Gladstone, Lloyd George, Churchill, Macmillan, Wilson, Smith and Jimmy Reid (my all time favourite politician)?

Our polticians have no gravitas, and also, rather displeasingly, no moral compass. We have industrial levels of sleaze. The Palace of Westminster has turned into Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory, expect the sweeties have been replaced with ill gotten financial sweeteners that make our MPs look like a political version of Augustus Gloop.

We have a system of media coverage that focuses itself around scandals on political lobbying, parliamentary expenses, who is shagging who, and the endless rubbernecking pursuit for a political gaff. Boris Johnson is currently our nation’s favourite politician. That tells its own story of where we are currently at in terms of our political credibility.

When do we ever get to see a Prime Minister or Secretary of State prove their mettle in a rigorous political interview? Their cowardly avoidance of Question Time, Newsnight and the Today programme, has been replaced with talking about Onesies on a daytime radio phone in show, or snuggling up on the sofa with Holly Willoughby on This Morning. Sir Robin Day must be turning in his grave.

As a result of all of this, the electorate has become bored rigid with politics. The majority of people cannot be arsed to scrutinise political legislation on a case by case basis. Low voter turnouts are now a regular feature of all elections or referendums. This apathy and ignorance is leaving an open goal for the likes of the Daily Mail to shape a fear and loathing right wing propaganda narrative.

So, lets just tear it all up and start again. Imagine a British political landscape were we could appoint non-elected people to serve in the Cabinet, regardless of their political leanings. Imagine a Cabinet that is based purely on the ability to do the job. Imagine a Cabinet that added a few bonkers appointments, and dash of charm and humour to proceedings.

So, who would be the Cabinet? Welcome to my own alternative Fantasy Cabinet. As you will see, a pinch of salt may be required when reading this…

Prime Minister – Hillary Clinton
Deputy Prime Minister – Eddie Izzard (a laughable position that needs genuine humour rather than the tragic comedy provided by the current incumbent – Nick Clegg)
Foreign Secretary – David Beckham
Chancellor of the Exchequer – Mark Carney
Home Secretary – Benedict Cumberbatch as Sherlock Holmes
Justice Secretary – Ray North
Defence Secretary – James Bond
Industry Secretary – Tamara Mellon
Health Secretary – Jessica Ennis
Education Secretary – Daddy Pig
Transport Secretary – Bob Crowe
Environment Secretary – The Wombles
International Development Secretary – Bob Geldof
Northern Ireland Secretary – Bill Clinton
Scottish Secretary – Andy Murray
Welsh Secretary – Warren Gatland
Culture, Media, Sport Secretary – Danny Boyle
Work and Pensions Secretary – Frank Gallagher from Shameless
Minister for Women & Equality – John Inverdale

There we have it – a mixture of gravitas, ability, humour and strategically misplaced positioning within my cabinet. The tragic irony being that this lot would probably still do better than the current lot.

{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Eddie Kaye July 19, 2013 at 11:11 am

I’ll have a think on this one Charlie – I might (local supermarket checkout permitting) allow for a shadow cabinet as well – any thoughs on that one Mr E-W?


Charlie_East_West July 19, 2013 at 12:18 pm

Brilliant idea – Eddie – you can rustle up the shadow cabinet.


Eddie Kaye July 19, 2013 at 12:41 pm

OK, my stab – true to my work the second name will be the ‘shadow’ of the first…

Prime Minister – Owen Jones (just because I would start buying the Daily Mail for 5 years of PMSL)/ Jeremy Clarkson
Deputy Prime Minister – Benny Hill (same reason as Charlie, only why not give the job to the last great clown this nation produced?)/ Nick Clegg (same reason as Charlie, only why not give the job to the last great clown this nation produced?)
Foreign Secretary – Judith Chalmers/ Gazza
Chancellor of the Exchequer – John Maynard Keynes/ Milton Friedman
Home Secretary – Albus Dumbledore/ Lord Voldemort
Justice Secretary – I’m going to stick with Mr North/ Pritti Patel
Defence Secretary – James Bond would be good, but Jack Bauer has to take the honours – he never sleeps, eats, takes comfort breaks and that is what you need/ on the Bond theme – Ernst Stavro Blofeld (he never just shoots James Bond, he has to leave him to escape from a nest of slightly irate whitebait, or some other stupid scheme)
Industry Secretary – Karren Brady (has to be soemthing to a woman who is not only a top business woman, but was also the first female football club chair, the youngest at the time, and married their star striker)/ anyone of the candidates from this years’ Apprentice
Health Secretary – Anyone of the thousands of incredibly able medical professionals who make up all that is good about our NHS/ Any Tory C**t trying to destroy the NHS will do
Education Secretary – Paddington Bear (taught me alot)/ Timmy Mallett (taught me how to be a prick)
Transport Secretary – Thomas the Tank Engine/ Roarry the Racing Car
Environment Secretary – Caroline Lucas/ The whole of the Oil Industry
International Development Secretary – Nelson Mandella/ Prince Phillip
Northern Ireland Secretary – Barry Mcguigan (showed how NI’s problems should be viewed – as one community)/ Any NI secretary until the mid 90’s
Scottish Secretary – Sir Sean Connery/ Nigel Farage
Welsh Secretary – Gladys from Hi-De-Hi/ Nigel Farage
Culture, Media, Sport Secretary – Michael J ‘Crocodile’ Dundee/ Simon Cowell
Work and Pensions Secretary – The Boswell family from Bread/ IDS
Minister for Women & Equality – Mrs Parkhurst/ Nigel Farage

Darn, not easy. I did try for gravitas – was found lacking. Please do not let the fact that most of mine are either fictional or deceased or both cloud your judgement. Humbly submitted…


Charlie_East_West July 19, 2013 at 1:42 pm

Brilliant. PMQ’s would be a huge ratings winner. BBC1 would have to move it to 7.30pm on Saturday nights. It would thrash X Factor.

Who would be Speaker? It has to be Ant & Dec. They are world class live entertainment professionals. The commons chamber would have to stick another chair in so they can sit next to each other.

Head of the Civil Service/Cabinet Secretary – it has to be Sir Dave Brailsford. He gets things done.

Now, that is how you get politics interesting…


Eddie Kaye July 19, 2013 at 1:54 pm

Nick from the Apprentice for speaker – ‘I’ve been watching the right honourable member all morning, and he has just banged on and on about immigration, and I really don’t think Lord Sugar gives a toss!’ Would be pricless.

Trouble is with some of my picks, I would have to nip over to York and half inch Richard III’s skeleton to have a back bench father of the house!


Charlie_East_West July 19, 2013 at 1:59 pm

Maverick backbenchers should include: Alan B’stard, Sir Bruce Forsyth, Peter Alliss, Sir Bradley Wiggins, Richard Madeley, Alf Tupper, Billy Connolly, Helen Mirren, Nigella Lawson, Jethro (MP for Truro and Falmouth), Larry David, Martin Sorrell, Des Lynam, Alan Hansen, John McEnroe, Dot Cotton, Charlie Brooker, Peter Kay, David Brent, Del Trotter, Rodney Trotter, Albert Trotter, Boris Johnson, Vera Duckworth, Jack Duckworth, Dave Allen, Denis Skinner, Paul Merton, Kathy Burke, Angelina Jolie, Desmond Tutu, Tom Jones, Prince, Keith Richards, Stephen Fry, Mike Tyson, Jesus Christ, Moses, Jeremy Paxman, Olivia Coleman, Katie Hopkins and George Galloway.
Director of Communications – a non brainer – Malcolm Tucker.

The next monarch should be Sir Alex Ferguson.


Eddie Kaye July 19, 2013 at 2:30 pm

Geoff Boycott (Concentration, Technique, Cricket), Ronnie Barker, Joey Barton, Freddie Flintoff, Harry Brown…

…but seriously, like I said the other day Parliamentary Democracy is definable in its obituary, and conspicuous by its absence. I would suggest the following:-

1) A universal personality test for all prospective MPs.
2) State funded election campaigning to cover legitimate personal and canvassing expenses.
3) The abolition of central party lists – local party members to elect candidates.
4) Stiff penalties (or is that pelanties for Chris Waddle) for parties breaking rules 2 & 3.

Should put a stop to the usual clone based body politic – with people with local view of what is right for their constiuencies getting into power…

…Simples (oh, that reminds me Alexandr Orlov to be speaker of the house 🙂


Ray_North July 20, 2013 at 10:14 pm

Genius – Daddy Pig as Minister for Education!

Here’s mine:

PM – Warren Gatland
Deputy – Paul Weller
Chancellor – Sir Alex Fergurson (always have a Scot in charge of the purse)
Foreign Secretary – Phil Dunphy
Education – Daddy Pig (absolutely)
Transport – Dave Charlsworth
Business – My mate Mat Spiv – he could make money in a desert that one!
Justice – Bob Marley (Get Up Stand Up)
Health – Chris Froome (got to be the healthiest bloke on the planet at the moment)
Welfare – Fidel Castro

Just a bit of fun of course!


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