The Double Dip Recession And Ten Other Bad Things That Didn’t Actually Happen In The Last Twelve Months

by Ray_North on June 27, 2013

images-2Oh, I see now – so, although it just felt like a double dip recession, although it just looked as though all the shops on my local high street had been turned into Poundlands and Charity Shops and that everyone stopped spending and loads of people were made unemployed – actually, we were wrong, and that technically it was a lot of fuss about nothing – technically the economy, bless it, only flat-lined. So that’s ok then. No double dip recession at all, that was just a statistical inconvenience.

Ok, so in the spirit of things that didn’t really happen – here’s my list of ten crappy things that didn’t actually happen in the last twelve months, but were all just similar statistical illusions.

1. It didn’t rain all last summer.
No, in fact, we had record hours of sunshine all last summer, the gorgeous dusks of June gave way to the glories of July and the long hours of August. Hardly a drop of rain at all.

2. Manchester United didn’t win the league.
No, in fact, it just appeared that way, but, if statistically, you look at the league from the point of view of, say, a Liverpool fan – Liverpool actually won the league last year, and probably the Champions League and the FA Cup as well.

3. I had a massive great pay rise.
Yes, even though, the payment for the work I did appeared to be reduced by 17%, only closer inspection, silly me, it actually went up by 17%, enabling me to comfortably pay off all my debts.

4. Psi from South Korea, never actually recorded that awful track that my children play ad nauseum causing little bits of my brain to rot, it was actually an anomaly that can be explained with further consideration of various variables.

5. Andy Murray actually won Wimbledon.
At first blush it may look as though he won less sets than Roger Federer in the final of Wimbledon – but, on a re-exemination of the result taking into account the Scottish Factor and Murray’s bad ankle, he actually won, to be crowned the first British winner of the All England Tennis Open since Fred Perry.

6. The conflict in Syria actually ended peacefully – so there is no need to worry any more about that. Phew.

7. In Game of Thrones – Rob Stark didn’t get killed at the Crimson Wedding, no, in fact, using the upper-quartile percentage returns, rounded up to the nearest whole number closest to 6, he actually pulled out his sword first and heroically killed all the baddies thus enabling him to continue his quest to be King of the Iron Throne.

8. Labour didn’t actually embrace the Coalition’s spending cuts – actually, what they said was that they would introduce a proper programme for economic growth accepting the reality that if you put demand into the economy, you save on welfare spending and expand your tax receipts – so don’t panic, the opposition actually does get it.

9. Wales didn’t play badly in the opening forty minutes of their first game against Ireland, and though the suggestion is that they didn’t have as many points at the end of the match as the Irish and lost – the reality is that, following a recalculation of the match using the important blades of grass/pints of beer consumed index, they actually won and went on to claim the Grand Slam.

10.George Osborne actually doesn’t exist – if you consume enough mind-altering drugs. (nor does Nigel Farage or Nick Clegg)

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