Yesterday, I Ray North, assembled Members of my household to unveil my financial plans for the coming year. I also invited the next door neighbours because since they’ve moved in, I notice that they’ve been struggling a bit, and I wanted them to learn how things are done in a well run family household. I’ve decided to share with you dear reader, an exert from proceedings.
Madam North, I’m proud to commend to the house my Autumn Statement on the families finances. And I tell you this Madam North, that having inherited a situation of carnage and near bankruptcy five years ago, I am now in a position to unveil that by the end of the year, we shall be not quite as skint as we are at the moment. It will be a one family statement Madam North, because, unlike that lot next door, we are the true supporters of working people, rather than a bunch of charlatans who run around in a new BMW X5, whilst their kids can hardly get to school on time.
Madam North this will be a statement intended to ensure that the legacy we leave behind for our children will be one of only a little bit of debt.
Let me start with the position of the garden shed. Madam North after years of under-investment in the garden shed, I’m pleased to announce that not only will we spending £8.50 on a new lock to prevent the door from swinging in the wind, we will, next summer be undertaking a paint job on the roof and walls at a cost of £15, rising to £20 when plans to add a second primer coat are underway.
Because Madam North we are a building family, a family of builders. (hear hear from kids, dog looks pleased as well)
Moving on now to the family’s prosperity – because Madam North I was elected on a programme to bring prosperity to all of our family – as the house knows, there were plans to cut the rates of pocket money from £2.50 per week to £2, this was Madam North, a move that I believed would ensure the long term prosperity of all of us (braying from the kids and next door neighbours), but, Madam North, let no one say that I Ray North, am not prepared to listen, for I am a listener as well as a builder, and I have listened, and as such, I am pleased to announce that the rates of pocket money will stay at a rate of £2.50 (massive hear hear and a waving of various homework books)
But, Madam North, this kind of generosity does not come without the responsibility that we all know to be sacrosanct to our great family – in future, in return for the pocket money, all recipients will be expected to complete homework on a Friday night, clean rugby boots on a Sunday, and make their own beds every day. Because, Madam North we are a family of cleaners as well as builders and listeners.
(intervention by the bloke next door, waving a little book)
Does my friend not accept that this is a staggering U-turn and demonstrates a clear failure of policy.
That’s rich coming from him – a man who since he’s moved in has had to remortgage his house to finance the building of a ridiculous conservatory and has had to send his wife’s Renault Scenic People Carrier back and replace it with a Clio because he can no longer afford it.
No Madam North we on this side of the road, know the importance of saving whilst the shed door is mended, or is it mending the shed door whilst the sun is out, anyway, we’re much better than that lot next door we’re far more confident and we shout louder and we’re prudent. And that is why, this year, we won’t be going on a two week holiday to Crete, but, instead shall be spending ten days on a campsite in Normandy. Because not only is that an investment in the future, it is showing solidarity with our French brothers and saving the environment because we’ll be going in the Toyota.
It is the type of hard decision that a sensible family has to make Madam North, and the type of decision that I’m not prepared to shirk, because we are a family of… er… not shirkers….
(more waving of little red book)